An Ultra Runners Guide to Appearing Normal

(on that rare occasion when you want to)

Ultra Runners are used to being called crazy.  We are used to smelling like sweaty poly-pro and can spot a fellow ultra runner from miles away from the pack and high socks.  We proudly sport our trucker hats and can talk endlessly about our bucket list races and the features of our watches. However, on occasion the need might present itself to not sound annoying or crazy (or at least tone it down a little).  Like when attending a wedding.  Or on a date night.

So here are some things ultra runners can to do fit in a little better in a crowd. At least for a few hours.

1) Take off your Garmin. As much as you think it looks good, it may not go well with your cocktail dress or suit, and will be the surest sign of your true identity.

2) Replace said Garmin with a wide bangle or a watch not made of plastic to hide the tan line on your wrist.

3) Wear shoes that cover your toes.  Lost toe nails are a badge of honour for ultra runners, but look kinda gross to most other people.

4) Get a hair cut. Ladies, shave below your knees when you take off your high socks. Men, trim that beard.

5) Learn to cough or laugh loudly when your stomach grumbles.  You might need to laugh a lot, so hang around funny people.

6) Learn to hide how much and how often you eat.  There are many ways to do this. Hide food in your bag and sneak to the bathroom.  Eat super fast so that you can have seconds before anyone else finishes or notices. Hide extra roast beef and potatoes under a pile of salad. Better yet, eat before you go out.  Then your stomach won't grumble and you can have a second supper at a relaxed pace.

7) Girls. trade your bikini bottoms for board shorts or a swim skirt to hide your shorts tan lines.  Guys, run shirtless once in a while to avoid the farmers tan.

8) At least once per week, listen to the news and read movie reviews so that you can pretend that you are knowledgeable about something other than running (even though you don't care).

9) Stop talking about running.  And when asked how long you are running tomorrow, learn to either lie, or mean it when you say you are "just doing a short relaxing run" when you are really planning 20 miles.

10) Buy at least one outfit that is not poly-pro or merino wool.  And don't run in it.